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Season 03

Isaac and Ishmael

Josh: What’s Islamic extremism? It’s strict adherence to a particular interpretation of 7th century Islamic law as practiced by the prophet Mohammed, and when I say “strict adherence,” I’m not kidding around. Men are forced to pray, wear their beards a certain length. Among my favorites is there’s only one acceptable cheer at a soccer match: ‘Allah-uh-Akbar.’ “God is great.” If your guys are getting creamed, then you’re on your own. Things are a lot less comic for women, who aren’t allowed to attend school or have jobs. They’re not allowed to be unaccompanied, and oftentimes get publicly stoned to death for crimes like not wearing a veil. I don’t have to tell you they don’t need to shout at a soccer match because they’re never going to go to one. So what bothers them about us? Well, the variety of cheers alone coming from the cheap seats at Giants stadium when they’re playing the Cowboys is enough for a jihad, to say nothing of street corners lined church next to synagogue, next to mosque, newspapers that can print anything they want, women who can do anything they want including taking a rocket ship to outer space, vote, and play soccer. This is a plural society. That means we accept more than one idea. It offends them… You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. It makes them absolutely crazy.

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Manchester Part 1

Sandy: Can you tell us right now if you’ll be seeking a second term?
Bartlet: Yeah. And I’m gonna win.

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Manchester Part 2

Bartlet: It occurs to me, I never said I’m sorry. I am. For the lawyers, for the press, for the mess, for the fear. Bruno, Doug, Connie — these guys are good. They want to win. So do we. The only thing we want more is to be right. I wonder if you can’t do both. There’s a new book… and we’re going to write it.

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Ways and Means

Donna: I grew up on a farm.
Josh: You grew up in a condo.
Donna: I grew up near a farm. And I was cute and I was peppy. And I always did well on my 19th Century English Literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime!
Josh: Hey, I’m not the-
Donna: White collar crime boy! You know what they do to a girl like me on the cell block? I’ve seen those movies.
Josh: Yeah, me too.
Donna: I bet you have.
Josh: Look-
Donna: Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys.

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On the Day Before

Bartlet: You know what we’re starting with tonight?
Josh: No, sir.
Bartlet: Hot pumpkin soup with cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche.
Josh: Was anything you just said food?

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War Crimes

Bartlet: Words when spoken out loud for the sake of performance are music. They have rhythm and pitch and timbre and volume. These are the properties of music and music has the ability to find us and move us and lift us up in ways that literal meaning can’t.
Abbey: You are an oratorical snob.
Bartlet: Yes, and God loves me for it.
Abbey: You said he was sending you to hell.
Bartlet: For other stuff, not for this.

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Gone Quiet

Leo: We’ve got to meet with Albie.
Bartlet He’s going to scold me. He’s been at the State Department since Truman. He thinks I’m a kid and that he outranks me.
Leo: You’ll be fine.
Bartlet: I’ve got to tell him I lost a submarine. Can I make something up like say ‘what if a friend of mine hypothetically…’

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The Indians in the Lobby

Operator: Hello, welcome to the Butterball Hotline.
Toby: What the hell is…
Bartlet: Shhhh. Hello!!
Operator: How can I help you, sir?
Bartlet: Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide.
Operator: Well, thank you. May I have your name please?
Bartlet: I’m a citizen.
Operator: I’m sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comments in our customer feedback form.
Bartlet: I’m Joe Betherson…ton. That’s one ‘t’, and with an ‘h’ in there.
Operator: And your address?
Bartlet: Fargo.
Operator: Your street address, please?
Toby: [picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now. [hangs up]
Bartlet: My street address is 114… 54 Pruder Street, and it’s very important that you put ’street’ down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R… Fargo, North Dakota… [Charlie walks in with a piece of paper, Bartlet grabs it.] Zip code 50504.
Operator: Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me.
Bartlet: I do radio commercials for… products.
Operator: And how can I help you?
Bartlet: [sits down] Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?
Operator: It can also be baked in a casserole dish.
Bartlet: Well, then we’d have to call it something else, wouldn’t we? [Toby sits down and puts his hand under his chin.]
Operator: I suppose.
Bartlet: If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I’m not saying that’s necessarily a deal-breaker.
Operator: Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are Salmonella and Campylobacter jejuni.
Bartlet: All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second bacteria up, and second of all, how do I avoid it?
Operator: Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first. Sauté any vegetables, fried sausage, oysters, etc.
Bartlet: Excellent! Let’s talk temperature.
Operator: One hundred and sixty-five degrees.
Bartlet: No, see, I was testing you! The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature of 180 to 185 degrees.
Operator: Yes, sir, I was talking about the stuffing which you want to cook to 165 to avoid health risks.
Bartlet: Okay. Good testing!
Operator: Do you have an accurate thermometer?
Bartlet: Oh yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the king of… [Toby raises his hand and Bartlet catches himself] auto sales in…
Toby: [whispering] Fargo.
Bartlet: Fargo. Phil Baharnd. The man can sell a car like… well, like anything.
Operator: Very good, sir. You have a good Thanksgiving!
Bartlet: And you do, too. Thanks a lot! [hangs up the phone] That was excellent! We should do that once a week.

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The Women of Qumar

Bartlet: Did the Celtics win last night?
Charlie: No, they got crushed.
Bartlet: ‘Kay, when I say ‘Did they win?’ you can just say yes or no.
Charlie: They got pretty well crushed.

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Bartlet for America

Bartlet: [on phone] Listen, I don’t care that much about your ass but if you need to perjure yourself to protect me you’re going to damn well do it.
Leo: Sir, this isn’t a secure call, so I’m going to say to the 17 global intelligence agencies that are listening in that he was kidding just then.

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H. Con - 172

Leo: Okay. Well, I’ll just call the President and suggest to him that he allow a huge bipartisan vote on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives calling him a liar and that he welcome the result. Then, I’m going to flap my wings and fly to Neverland.
Jordan: Leo…
Leo: You think I am so desperate to save my ass, I’m gonna roll over on Jed Bartlet?
Cliff: I don’t think it’s a matter of…
Leo: I take a bullet for the President. He doesn’t take one for me.

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100,000 Airplanes

Sam: I think you should. I think ambition is good. I think overreaching is good. I think giving people a vision of government that’s more than Social Security checks and debt reduction is good. I think government should be optimistic.

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The Two Bartlets

Josh: It’s a strange day when I’m involved with national security.
Sam: I was just thinking the same thing.

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Night Five

Ainsley: How about this? We drop out of the UN entirely and use the 926 million to take everyone in the country out to brunch?

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Hartsfield’s Landing

Toby: That’s a beautiful chess set.
Bartlet: It’s a gift for you.
Toby: Really?
Bartlet: Yeah, it’s hand-carved. It belonged to the Prime Minister’s grandfather, who used it to play with Lord Mountbatten.
Toby: I’m surprised that she gave it away.
Bartlet: Nah, we boosted it on our way out of the palace. I’ve got some little bottles of shampoo and conditioner, too.

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Dead Irish Writers

Lord John Marbury: Abigail! May I grasp your breasts?
Bartlet: I’m standing right here!
Abbey: You may kiss my cheek.

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The U.S. Poet Laureate

Interviewer: Have you read Governor Ritchie’s book?
Bartlet: I will when he does.

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Stirred

Donna: I shall do those things.
Josh: You shall?
Donna: I shall… and I’ll tell you what I’d like in exchange.
Josh: How about a weekly salary of some kind?
Donna: Yes, plus a favor.

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Enemies Foreign and Domestic

C.J.: [about the treatment of women in Saudi Arabia] Outraged? I’m barely surprised. This is a country where women aren’t allowed to drive a car. They’re not allowed to be in the company of any man other than a close relative. They’re required to adhere to a dress code that would make a Maryknoll nun look like Malibu Barbie. They beheaded a hundred and twenty-one people last year for robbery, rape, and drug trafficking. They have no free press, no elected government, no political parties. And the Royal Family allows the Religious Police to travel in groups of six carrying nightsticks and they freely and publicly beat women. But ‘Brutus is an honorable man.’ Seventeen schoolgirls were forced to burn alive because they weren’t wearing the proper clothing. Am I outraged? No… That is Saudi Arabia, our partners in peace.

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The Black Vera Wang

Sam: Think it’s porn?
Ginger: I don’t know.
Sam: ‘Cause I’m pretty tired, but if it’s porn—I mean really good porn—by the way if my innocent joking’s making you uncomfortable in any way—
Ginger: No, I’m hoping it’s porn.

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We Killed Yamamoto

Leo: I know it was a screw-up, but I loved how he stormed into it, full throttle, like there’s now a Sam Seaborn sized hole in the wall.

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Posse Comitatus

Bartlet: [to Gov. Ritchie] In the future, if you’re wondering, “Crime. Boy, I don’t know” is when I decided to kick your ass.

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