In the Shadow of Two Gunmen Part 1
Nurse: Do you have any medical conditions?
Bartlet: Well, I’ve been shot.
Season 02
Processing your request, Please wait....
In the Shadow of Two Gunmen Part 2
C.J.: We’re confirming now that a suspect is in custody, and is being questioned by federal law enforcement . At this time, we cannot, we are not releasing any information whatsoever about the suspect.
Steve: Can you tell us anything, his name, where he’s from, his ethnicity, if you guys suspect a motive?
C.J.: Yes, Steve, I can tell you those things, because when I said that we weren’t releasing any information whatsoever, I meant except than his name, his address, his ethnicity, and what we think his motives are.
The Midterms
Josh: Tell me democracy doesn’t have a sense of humor. We sit here, we drink this beer out here on the stoop, in violation of about 47 city ordinances. I don’t know, Toby, it’s election night. What do you say about a government that goes out of its way to protect even citizens that try to destroy it?
Toby: God bless America.
In This White House
Josh: Toby, come quick, Sam’s getting his ass kicked by a girl.
Toby: Ginger, get the popcorn.
And It’s Surely to Their Credit
Engineer: Cut take.
Bartlet: Sorry, everybody. This is gonna be it. Four is my lucky number.
Donna: This is take five, sir.
Bartlet: Five is my lucky number. “Fifth-take Bartlet” - that’s what Jack Warner used to call me.
Donna: Did you really know Jack Warner, Mr. President?
Bartlet: Yeah, because I used to be a contract player in Hollywood and I’m 97 years old.
The Lame Duck Congress
Bartlet: Charlie!
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: Can I have a couple of aspirin or a weapon of some kind to kill people with?
The Portland Trip
Bartlet: The Assistant Energy Secretary is flying to Portland in the middle of the night so he can meet with me on Air Force One on the way back?
Charlie: Yes sir.
Bartlet: The day-to-day experience of my life has changed in many ways since taking this job.
Shibboleth
Sam: Over three and a half centuries ago, linked by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they could worship according to their own beliefs… and solve crimes.
Toby: Sam…
Sam: It’d be good. By day, they churn butter and worship according to their own beliefs, and by night they solve crimes.
Toby: Read the thing.
Sam: Pilgrim detectives.
Toby: Do you see me laughing?
Sam: I think you’re laughing on the inside.
Toby: Okay.
Sam: With the big hats.
Toby: Give me the speech.
Galileo
Tate: I don’t want to step on your toes. You don’t want to step on mine. We’re both writers.
Sam: Yes, I suppose, if we broaden the definition to those who can spell.
Noël
Leo: [to Josh] This guy’s walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can’t get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up “Hey you! Can you help me out?” The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up “Father, I’m down in this hole, can you help me out?” The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. “Hey Joe, it’s me, can you help me out?” And the friend jumps in the hole! Our guy says “Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here!” and the friend says, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before, and I know the way out.” As long as I got a job, you got a job, you understand me?
The Leadership Breakfast
Bartlet: Who’s the next meeting?
Charlie: Kim Woo of Singapore. You want the cheat sheet?
Bartlet: I don’t need a cheat sheet. Kim Woo, he won a bronze medal for fencing, he’s a Buddhist, and he enjoys European History. You see Charles, even though it’s a handshake, I’m able to make him feel like a friend and that’s a little thing they call “people skills.”
Charlie: Kim Woo’s a woman, sir.
Bartlet: The man’s an Olympic athlete, Charlie. I wouldn’t say that to his face.
The Drop-In
Donna: [about Lord John Marbury] Are you threatened by his brilliance?
Josh: Neither Leo nor I are threatened by his brains, his looks or his charm. He is, however, a lunatic Brit and we’re grateful there’s an ocean between us.
Bartlet’s Third State of the Union
Kenny: [speaking for Joey] Joshua Lyman, you have the cutest little butt in professional politics.
Josh: Kenny, really, that better have been her talking.
The War at Home
Bartlet: We try to get people to vote for us and in the process we hope the people force us to do good things.
Ellie
Charlie: Well, he would have especially enjoyed the scene where the Prince Myshkin character has a seizure while engaging in an erotic fantasy in a Long Island church.
Mrs. Landingham: Charlie, please don’t say the word “erotic” in the Oval Office.
Charlie: I’d be perfectly happy never to say any of those words anywhere ever again.
Somebody’s Going to Emergency, Somebody’s Going to Jail
C.J.: No cameras.
Toby: You negotiated that?
C.J.: Yes.
Toby: They agreed to it?
C.J.: Yes. You want to make out with me now, don’t you?
Toby: Well, when don’t I?
The Stackhouse Filibuster
C.J.: If you ever have a free two hours and are so inclined, try standing up without leaning on anything and talking the whole time. You won’t make it. I wouldn’t make it. Stackhouse wasn’t supposed to last 15 minutes. He’s 78 years old. He has a head cold. This bill is going to pass. Well, somebody forgot to tell Stackhouse, Dad, cause he just went into hour number eight.
17 People
Sam: When I was downstairs, I made a decision. I’m gonna register with the Republican Party - and I’ll tell you why, if you’re curious. It’s because they’re a freedom-loving people.
Ainsley: We also like beef.
Bad Moon Rising
Bartlet: [on Babish] He looks down his nose at me ’cause I’m not a lawyer.
Leo: Yes.
Bartlet: I didn’t go to law school. I got a PhD in economics instead.
Leo: Your parents were very proud.
Bartlet: Yeah, and all that happened was I won a Nobel Prize and got elected President so I guess that decision didn’t really pay off.
Leo: Yeah.
Bartlet: Should I run back and get my Nobel Prize?
Leo: I think he knows you’ve got one.
The Fall’s Gonna Kill You
C.J.: You guys are like Butch and Sundance peering over the edge of a cliff to the boulder-filled rapids 300 feet below, thinking you better not jump ’cause there’s a chance you might drown. The President has this disease and has been lying about it, and you guys are worried that the polling might make us look bad? It’s the fall that’s gonna kill ya.
18th and Potomac
Josh: Are you saying that people who start smoking and get addicted to nicotine are too stupid to live?
Senator Rossitter: No, I’m saying they’re too stupid to be protected by the courts.
Two Cathedrals
[Flashback]
Young Bartlet: Why do you talk to me like this?
Mrs Landingham: You’ve never had a big sister and you need one. Look at you. You’re a Boy King. You’re a foot smarter than the smartest kid in the class. You’re blessed with inspiration. You must know this by now. You must have sensed it. Look, if you think we’re wrong… if you think Mr. Hopkins should honestly get paid more than Mrs. Chadwick, then I respect that. But if you think we’re right and you won’t speak up because you can’t be bothered, then God, Jed, I don’t even want to know you.
