Flight Attendant: Sir I’m going to have to ask that you turn off your cellular phone.
Toby: We’re flying in a Lockheed Eagle Series L-1011. Came off the line twenty months ago. Carries a Sim-5 transponder tracking system, and you’re telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?
Sam: It turns out I accidentally slept with a callgirl.
Toby: Accidentally? I don’t understand. Did you trip over something?
Josh: A couple of things for you to bear in mind. First of all, he didn’t know she was a call girl when he slept with her. He didn’t pay her. He didn’t participate in, have knowledge of, or witness anything illegal. Or for that matter, unethical, amoral, or suspect.
C.J.: Okay. A couple things for you to bear in mind. None of that matters on Hard Copy!
Josh: You’re overreacting.
C.J.: Am I?
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: As women are prone to do.
Josh: That’s not what I meant.
C.J.: That’s always what you mean.
Josh: You know what, C.J., I really think I’m the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista! …whoa, that was way too far.
C.J.: No, no. Well, I’ve got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist Harvard fascist missed-the-deans-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass!
Josh: Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.?
C.J.: I’m a whole new woman.
Josh: You look like a million bucks, by the way.
C.J.: Don’t try to make up with me.
Josh: Forgive my bluntness, and I say this with all due respect, Congressman, but vote yes, or you’re not even going to be on the ballot two years from now.
Katzenmoyer: How do you figure?
Josh: You’re going to lose in the primary.
Katzenmoyer: There’s no Democrat running against me.
Josh: Sure there is.
Katzenmoyer: Who?
Josh: Whomever we pick.
Katzenmoyer: You’re bluffing.
Josh: Okay.
Katzenmoyer: I’m in your own party!
Josh: Doesn’t seem to be doing us much good now, does it?
Katzenmoyer: Against an incumbent Democrat. You’ll go to the press and endorse a challenger?
Josh: No sir. We’re going to do it in person. See, you won with fifty-two percent, but the President took your district with fifty-nine. And I think it’s high time we come back and say thanks. Do you have any idea how much noise Air Force One makes when it lands in Eau Claire, Wisconsin? We’re going to have a party, Congressman. You should come, it’s gonna be great. And when the watermelon’s done, right in town square, right in the band gazebo… You guys got a band gazebo?
Katzenmoyer: Josh…
Josh: Doesn’t matter, we’ll build one. Right in the band gazebo, that’s where the President is going to drape his arm around the shoulder of some assistant DA we like. And you should have your camera with you. You should get a picture of that. ‘Cause that’s gonna be the moment you’re finished in Democratic politics. President Bartlet’s a good man. He’s got a good heart. He doesn’t hold a grudge. That’s what he pays me for.
Leo: Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.
Toby: Huh.
Leo: I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.
Toby: Leo, wouldn’t this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can’t possibly defend itself against us?
Leo: We can do that later, Toby. Right now I’m talking about President Andrew Jackson.
Sam Actually, right now, you’re talking about a big block of cheese.
Leo: And Sam goes on my list!
Sam: What about Toby?
Leo: I’m unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.
Mandy: And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.
Leo: It is in that spirit…
Sam: Hang on. Mandy doesn’t go on the list?
Leo: Mandy’s new.
Sam: So it’s just me… on the list?
Leo: Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples’ servants.
Josh: [walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we’re late. Is it “Total Crackpot Day” again?
Leo: Yes, it is.
Sam: And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.
Josh: Sam, I’m taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming.
Sam: Sounds good.
C.J.: I like beer.
Josh: If you want to come I guess that’d be okay.
C.J.: Why, Josh, you’ve swept me off my feet.
Donna: I’m not wild about this whole Indonesian thing.
Josh: What’s the problem?
Donna: I’ve been doing some reading on my own.
Josh: I wish you wouldn’t do that.
Donna: Why?
Josh: Because you tend to cull some bizarre factoid from a less than reputable source and then you blow it all out of proportion.
Donna: I do not.
Josh: Donna…
Donna: I just thought you might like to know that in certain parts of Indonesia, they summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers.
Josh: What?
Donna: I read it.
Josh: They… summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers?
Donna: They behead them.
Josh: Sorcerers.
Donna: Gangs of roving people. Beheading those they suspect of being sorcerers. You know with… what’s that thing that Death carries?
Josh: A scythe.
Donna: They’re doing it with a scythe.
Josh: Well, thanks for the head’s up.
Donna: I thought you might like to know who’s coming over for dinner.
Josh: You bet.
Bartlet: We should organize a staff field-trip to Shenandoah. I could even act as the guide. What do you think?
Josh: [under his breath] Good a place as any to dump your body.
Bartlet: What was that?
Josh: … Did I say that out loud?
Bartlet: See, and I was gonna let you go home.
Josh: [sinking feeling] … But instead?
Bartlet: We’re gonna talk about Yosemite.
C.J.: All you did was just one phone call.
Josh: It was a series of phone calls, which I masterminded, while I’m not one to be selfish about credit, I think it is important to know that it is done, and I did it!
Bartlet: Apparently, I’ve arranged for an honor guard for somebody.
Toby: Yes, sir. I’m sorry.
Bartlet: No no. Just tell me, is there anything else I’ve arranged for? We’re still in NATO right?
Toby: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: What’s going on?
Toby: A homeless man died last night; a Korean War veteran, who was wearing a coat that I gave to the Goodwill. It had my card in it.
Bartlet: Toby, you’re not responsible for …
Toby: An hour and twenty minutes for the ambulance to get there. A Lance Corporal, United States Marine Corps, Second of the Seventh. The guy got better treatment at Panmunjom.
Bartlet: Toby, if we start pulling strings like this, you don’t think every homeless veteran would come out of the woodworks?
Toby: I can only hope, sir.
Charlie: Mr. President?
Bartlet: I’ll take the Indian ambassador in the Oval Office.
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: And then if you could just ask the Secret Service to step in and kill me, please.
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends - apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends’ mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don’t vote, do they?
Josh: We’ve got a bit of a sticky wicket.
C.J.: Please don’t tell me I’m staying here and working late tonight.
Josh: I need you to read a report.
C.J.: I’m a woman in her prime, Josh, I’m a prime woman.
Josh: There’s no doubt about it, but I need you to read this anyway.
C.J.: What is it?
Josh: We want Congress to sign off on funds for a hundred thousand new teachers. They say, fine, but you gotta stipulate that in Sex Ed classes…
C.J.: Abstinence only?
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: I would have no trouble passing such a class.
Josh: We commissioned a report about a year ago on Sex Education in public schools, and, well, this is it.
C.J.: What’s it say?
Josh: It’s not good.
C.J.: How’s it not good?
Josh: It says basically that teaching abstinence only doesn’t work—that people are going to be prone to have sex whether they’re cautioned against it or not.
C.J.: Well, what are they recommending?
Josh: Something called “abstinence plus.”
C.J.: Abstinence plus?
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: What’s that mean?
Josh: Well, Sam’s renamed it ‘everything but’.
C.J.: Everything but?
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: Ah.
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: They want teachers to teach…
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: And so the sticky wicket joke was..?
Josh: A regrettable pun. Should I order you some food?
C.J.: Y’know, I can’t remember the last time I got home before midnight.
Josh: By the way, pages 27 to 33? A couple of things every girl should know.
C.J.: Get me a salad.
Mandy: Who was the last President to commute a sentence?
Josh: Lincoln.
Mandy: Abraham?
Josh: No, Bert Lincoln.
C.J.: [knocks on Josh's door] Josh…
Josh: [looks up] What the hell happened?
C.J.: I had woot canal.
Josh: What happened to your cheeks?
C.J.: I had woot canal!
Josh: Why are you talking like that?
C.J.: I had woot canal!
Josh: Yeah, I heard you the first time, I was just amusing myself.
C.J.: I can suggesht some ovva fings you can do wif yourshelf!
Josh: Are you in pain?
C.J.: I HAD WOOT CANAL!
Josh: You’re gonna need to stop saying that, ’cause you just look and sound so ridiculous.
Toby: What, I’m not coming in the car?
Bartlet: No, and you know why? Because you made fun of the guacamole.
Toby: I didn’t!
Bartlet: I could tell you were thinking it.
Toby: Fair enough.
Josh: We’re gonna do ‘good cop, bad cop.’
Toby: No, we’re really not.
Josh: Why not?
Toby: ‘Cause this isn’t an episode of Hawaii Five-O. How about you be the good cop and I be the cop that doesn’t go to the meeting?
Jeff Breckenridge: You got a dollar?
Josh: Yeah.
Jeff Breckenridge: Take it out. Look at the back. The seal, the pyramid, it’s unfinished, with the eye of God looking over it, and the words annuit coeptis - he, God, favors our undertaking. The seal is meant to be unfinished, because this country’s meant to be unfinished. We’re meant to keep doing better. We’re meant to keep discussing and debating. And, we’re meant to read books by great historical scholars and then talk about them…
C.J.: The theme of the Egg Hunt is “learning is delightful and delicious” - as, by the way, am I.
Bonnie: [after Josh told a Senator to "shove his legislative agenda up his ass"] Rambo!
Josh: You talking to me?
Bonnie: Nice phone call.
Josh: That’s how we do things in New England, my friends.
Bonnie: In Indiana, we’re not allowed to talk like that.
Ginger: In New Jersey, we encourage it.
Bartlet: We agree on nothing, Max.
Senator Lobell: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes - you name it, we disagree.
Senator Lobell: You know why?
Bartlet: Because I’m a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead communist.
Senator Lobell: Yes, sir. And I’m a gun-toting, redneck son-of-a-bitch.
Bartlet: Yes, you are.
Senator Lobell: We agree about that.
Bartlet: “We hold these truths to be self-evident,” they said, “that all men are created equal.” Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in history that anyone had ever bothered to write that down. Decisions are made by those who show up.
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